We are all the way into August, and LeBron James is still a free agent…let’s pull an ESPN and blow this completely out of proportion. What could be holding LeBron up? I’ve got a few theories:
1. Dan Gilbert sent the contract in Comic Sans. Back in 2010, America became familiar with Dan Gilbert’s affection for Comic Sans font after he used it to write his scathing letter to LeBron after the King made his much maligned “Decision”. Well, time may have healed the wounds between Gilbert and James, but maybe time hasn’t fixed the Cavs’ owner affinity for the childish font.
2. LeBron froze himself until the regular season starts. All of James’ coaches and teammates rave about the amount of work he puts in to keep his body in tip-top shape, from sleeping in a liquid nitrogen freezing chamber, to replicating the Cavaliers weight room in his own home. Well, with father time creeping up on LeBron’s NBA career, maybe he decided to go full Man Ray and freeze himself until the season opener.
3. He is taking his future starring role in Space Jam way too seriously.
Multiple reports came out a few months ago that LeBron was set to star in upcoming movie Space Jam 2, following in the footsteps of Michael Jordan, the “ghost” he is chasing. As we all know already, the original Space Jam showed MJ’s mediocre minor league baseball career, so maybe one of these days we’re just going to see LeBron playing left field for the Myrtle Beach Mermen.
4. LeBron & JR Smith are preparing to run for the 2016 presidency. If LeBron’s 2 Olympic
gold medals are any indication, we can be sure he’ll be winning more international trade agreements than The Donald. The first and only issues on JR’s agenda as VP will be
drafting a bipartisan bill for national healthcare reform legalizing marijuana and making shirts optional at all White House events, and that already makes him a better option than Mike Pence or Tim Kaine.
5. There was never a “LeBron James”. The LeBron James we know was actually the reincarnation of Moses Cleveland, sent down to Earth by our Lord & Savior Harambe to bring a championship to his downtrodden city. His mission is now complete, and he has been called back to his creator.
Believe what you want, but one of these has to be true.