This is part 2 of a 3 part Series.

This edition its the Drunk Kenny and Jerry off-season, where we go full White Sox and Rick Hahn just sits back and wonders what the hell his life has come too. This is satire, don’t think I want Ryan Howard on my damn team. Lets do it.


“Man that Pierce Jones is toolsy. Looks like a young Jared Mitchell out there”

Arbitration-eligible (with projected salaries from MLBTR):

  • Todd Frazier, $13.5M- Tender
  • Brett Lawrie, $5.1M- Tender
  • Avisail Garcia, $3.5M- Tender!
  • Miguel Gonzalez, $2.6M- Tender
  • Dan Jennings, $1.2M- Tender
  • B. Shuck, $1M- Tender!
  • Jake Petricka, $900K- Tender
  • Zach Putnam, $900K- Tender
  • Daniel Webb, $600K- Non-Tender

Explain the toughest calls if necessary:

Oh Hell Yeah we are bringing back Avi and Shuck.

  • Matt Albers: $3M for 2017 or a $250,000 buyout

Impending free agents (re-sign, let go or qualifying offer)- Let Go. Even these two can’t bring him back.

  • Austin Jackson: Made $5 million in 2016.- Let Go
  • Alex Avila: Made $2.5 million in 2016.- Bring Back, 1 year $2 million.
  • Justin Morneau: Made $1 million in 2016, although he signed during the season.- Let Go

Elaborate if needed: Avila is just the guy we need. Just need them him stay healthy! This will work! He is a starting catcher! And If we not we have Narvaez who is 100% not going to regress at all!

Free agents

No. 1: Carlos Beltran, 1 years, $10 million.

Half Measure that is also a former all star and over the hill? Check and Mate.

No. 2: A.J Pierzynski, 1 year, $2 million.

Loyalty Baby!

No. 3: Ryan Howard, 1 year, $1 million.

Kenny sees the need for some Left Handed Power and goes and gets 2010’s premier left handed power hitter. Boom.

No. 4: Carlos Gomez, 1 year, $9 million.

This and Beltran will be branded as huge off-season moves. I can’t wait.

No. 5: Not a SP, we believe in James Shields

No. 6: Sergio Romo, 1 year, $1 million.

We need a lefty, so instead we will get the failed closer of the Giants.


No. 1: Trade SS Tyler Saladino, SP Carson Fulmer, OF Adam Engel to the Brewers for LF Ryan Braun.

Kenny gets his man, a former MVP with decreasing numbers and a big contract.

No. 2: Trade LF Melky Cabrera and RP David Robertson to the Los Angeles Dodgers for OF Starling Heredia

I have to cut payroll after scooping up Ryan Braun so I will trade these two. I searched the Dodgers prospect lists for someone who was referred to as “toolsy” and found this guy. He is our guy. He, Jared Mitchell and Courtney Hawkins are going to make for a sick outfield in 2030.


  • Tim Anderson, SS
  • Adam Eaton, RF
  • Jose Abreu, 1B
  • Ryan Braun, LF
  • Todd Frazier, 3B
  • Carlos Beltran, DH
  • Carlos Gomez, CF
  • Brett Lawrie, 2B
  • Alex Avila, C


Ryan Howard

A.J Pierzynski

Carlos Sanchez

Avisail Garcia

Matt Davidson


  • Chris Sale
  • Jose Quintana
  • Carlos Rodon
  • Miguel Gonzalez
  • James Shields

RP- Zach Putnam

RP- Jake Petricka

RP- Dan Jennings

RP- Sergio Romo

RP- Zach Burdi

RP- Nate Jones

Full Disclosure I 110% talked myself into this team making the playoffs. Like as I was literally making this piece of satire I said to myself “I mean Braun has a big year, Beltran puts up another solid year and Gomez bounces back that’s a pretty solid lineup. Just need Avila to stay healthy and hopefully Narvzaez can emerge. Also James Shields has to rebound right?” This is why I hate the White Sox. They could totally pull this shit this off-season and I’ll still give them a chance. They have conditioned us to always believe they might make the playoffs despite woefully ill-equipped rosters. Its evil genius.