Last week, I watched Before the Flood, Leonardo Di Caprio’s hour and a half documentary on climate change and the sorry state of the planet. As a global citizen, it is most definitely worth it to carve out a chunk of time to see it. I saw it for free on YouTube, but it appears as if they have put a $2.99 price tag on the legitimate version. I took an environmental science class my junior year of high school, so I was already quite woke to just how terrible our reliance on fossil fuels and current consumption practices were for the earth. However, viewing this NatGeo documentary reminded me how important it is that the coming generations do our best to lessen the seemingly inevitable adverse effects that climate change brings.

Chiefly among these is rising sea levels, which spells sour for coastal populations. I cannot specifically remember if the documentary addressed this exactly, but Florida is toast. There have already been efforts in the southern part of the state to move sea walls and roads further inland, a band-aid ‘solution’ which will need to be done repeatedly in the coming decades. A quick google search of when the entire state will be submerged elicited many ~2100 results, but for the sake of this column, let’s just say that much of south Florida/Miami will be washed out in 30-40 years. This will happen during many of our lifetimes, and the question of where the displaced residents and sports teams will end up is a legitimate concern.

After any championship game or series draws to a close, sports fans are met with a flurry of “way too early” predictions for the coming season. Well, I am not just looking a year ahead, I aim to predict and provide solutions for issues that will pop up in a few decades. One thing I know for certain is that Pat Riley will still be alive and will have taken over the head coaching gig a few more times. Everything else is completely speculative. Take it how you will.

Florida has how many hockey teams?

The answer should be zero. The same goes to California, and the recently-approved Las Vegas NHL team. If a city’s ponds cannot freeze over, they do not deserve a hockey team. But alas, the Tampa Bay Lightning and Florida Panthers call the sunshine state home. Move one to Seattle and one to Chicago. Washingtonians have unsuccessfully lobbied for an NHL team for the past few years, and progress will not be made until dire circumstances present themselves. New York has two hockey teams, and another NHL franchise in the city of Chicago would drive a stake between fan bases who usually only get to hate each other during baseball season. White Sox fans have done their best to destroy the citywide kumbaya brought about by the Cubs World Series title, and another hockey team would provide the opportunity for Chicagoans to hate each other year-round.

Find another empty stadium to play in, Dolphins

A franchise whose crowning achievement was going undefeated more than 40 years ago will not be missed by many. At their going rate, the Browns will not win more than seven games in a season for at least the next fifty years, so the Dolphins should just replace them. Cuncel da Browns. After all, dolphins can swim in rivers.

Heat Rises

Global temperatures will increase drastically enough that no matter where the Heat relocate, steamy weather will follow them. Wherever they end up, Pat Riley’s hair products will bore a hole in the ozone layer. I could not care less about the NBA, put em in Greenland if it has not melted completely by then.

Pitchers and catchers report…

Spring Training is my greatest worry. The Grapefruit League will either have to be renamed, relocated further inland, or both. Could we still call it the Grapefruit League if all the grapefruit are floating out at sea? My answer is no. The solution is obvious, move Spring Training to Hawaii. Florida has lost its allure, and after visiting thrice, I would not mind never setting foot in the state again. Hawaii, on the other hand, is a tropical paradise and hitting home runs into the ocean is something that should not just be limited to McCovey Cove in San Francisco. The name presents itself – the Pineapple League. As for the Marlins, their obnoxious color scheme and gimmicky gadgets in the outfield belong in Las Vegas, but Marlins Man can put them wherever he wants after buying the franchise in twenty years.

Mountain momma, take me home!

I have got a gut feeling that Florida’s eccentric citizens would fit right in with West Virginians. Though we are running out of time to drop our jaws at drug-induced face eatings, the state which breeds such individuals will have a mass migration to the place where John Denver, and only John Denver, thinks is almost heaven. Rand University’s enrollment will spike, bringing forth the next generation of guys who ‘could’ve totally gone D-I’.

All jokes aside, climate change deniers are lunatics.

photo credit: FotoFloridian Gulls home at sunset via photopin (license)

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