I’ve witnessed some tragedies in my day. The Notre Dame national championship game in 2013. The Chicago Bears. That Italian beef sandwich I decided to buy at the Illinois State Fair. The year 2016. Nickelback. Any Wayans brothers movies past Scary Movie 4. The Toyota Yaris. The death of Michael Clarke Duncan. The births of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. But NOTHING compares to the tragedy that I saw on TV just the other day. You know that dude that told us all very convincingly to stay thirsty? The one man who told us to drink responsibly that we actually listened to? The man that performed many seemingly impossible and often times impressively impractical feats? I am talking, of course, about The Most Interesting Man in the World (MIMitW for short). Well guess what. There’s a NEW most interesting man in the world, and he sucks…basically because he’s not the old guy. He’s so unimpressive that his title doesn’t even warrant me capitalizing the first letter of each word, even at the beginning of a sentence. the most interesting man in the world. That lower-case title is about as impressive as this guy. This is the biggest insult to humanity since Al Gore tried to get us all on board with ManBearPig.
Okay, if we want to talk pure achievements here, where do I even begin? The real MIMitW can do these things and has these attributes:
Parallel park a train
Speak Russian…in French
Has been asked by alien abductors to probe THEM
Was himself in a past life
Gave his father “The Talk”
Invented skinny dipping
Has been the life of parties that he never attended
You know, I even bet he’s allowed to talk about Fight Club and most likely met Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. The list goes on and on. What has this new guy done? Carved a football out of a coconut and played college football in high school. That’s it. All you need to do is look at the length of the two lists and it is clear who earns the title of MIMitW…and who is merely the mimitw. And another thing, just wanted to point out a logical fallacy here…if there’s already a most interesting man in the world, there can’t be ANOTHER most interesting man in the world. That’s just silly. Plus I bet this new guy has a bromance, rollerblades, and uses wingmen to talk to women. These are all things the real guy vehemently disapproves of. And I doubt he ever drinks beer at all. Probably just appletinis or something equally insulting to masculinity. So go ahead and carve your footballs out of coconuts, new guy, but I can guarantee you that anti-Trump riots will not be the only things going on the streets this week. I’m starting my own anti-new not-even-that-interesting guy riots. The number of people that are about to react highly irrationally is your fault, Dos Equis, not ours. Shame on you all.
I’m booking a flight to Mars as we speak, where our real hero is probably soaking it up in a Martian hot tub with some hot Martian chick in a Martian mansion, but I am going to bring him back to right this injustice and this affront to basic human dignity. So don’t you worry. I will stay thirsty, thirsty for a solution to the new biggest problem of 2016. End rant.